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Thoughts From the Grocery Store #3

My Thoughts From the Grocery Store blog series continues with this story from the hair aisle. You can read part one about the self-checkouts here and part two about groping the veg here.

#3 - My Nasal Enema

Like most normal human women, I like my shampoo and conditioner to smell great. It's a comfort thing. In the morning when I'm taking a hot shower, my eyes still barely open, I like a good whiff of calendula or ginseng or whatever other nice-sounding scent they can stuff into a plastic squeeze bottle. Hair companies know this. That's why they put the smelly stuff in there. Sure, it's probably fake natural chemical scent or whatever, but it smells good and I like it.

Because of this desire for a nice-smelling hair product, I have a habit of loitering in the hair aisle at the grocery store, opening the bottles and smelling the contents before deciding which ones to put in my shopping cart. It's just a quick, stealthy sniff. There's that little pocket of air at the top of the bottle between the product and the lid, and if you pop the top and give the bottle just a tiny squeeze you can puff out that air and give it a sniff. Simple. Except for that time when there was no pocket of air.

I was puffing and sniffing this one time with my husband next to me when suddenly I was experiencing a sort of deep conditioning nasal treatment. Creamy white conditioner had shot out of the bottle and up one of my nostrils, filling it completely and leaving another big glob dangling from my upper lip. I looked at my husband in a state of stunned victimization over this unscheduled nasal enema while Joe Cocker sang "You are so beautiful to meee" from the speakers in the ceiling. The look on his face in that moment, a combination of sympathy and adoration, told me he would never leave me.

I wish I could tell you this happened just the once. A normal person would have learned their lesson about puffing and sniffing. But it may have happened again, this time while I was grocery shopping alone. I don't have to confess to anything that may or may not have happened without a witness, but let me just say this, my friends, for what it's worth. Hair conditioner does not make a good facial lotion if you happen to have some dripping from your nose that you need to get rid of quickly. You will end up leaving the grocery store looking like a greasy-faced hot mess. But you will smell great.

I will be sharing more Thoughts from the Grocery Store, so check back soon and be sure to follow Family Feedbag on Facebook for updates.