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Thoughts from the Grocery Store - #1

I'm shaking things up here on Family Feedbag with a brand new blog series about grocery shopping. Yup, for real. Why? Because I was craving something new to write about AND because we all do it. Whether it's at big box stores, small neighbourhood groceries, or your standard supermarket, we all have to buy food. From parking lot drama to embarrassing incidents in the shampoo aisle (it's a thing, just wait), I'm sharing all the hilarious, messed up and sometimes pi$&ed off thoughts that float around my head while grocery shopping.

#1 - The Self-Checkout

Technology is the way and the light. I'm a blogger, I get it. But the self-checkout is one use of tech that seems to be still going through some growing pains. I use it regularly, but only for a small basket of things. It doesn't seem to be a system that works for large orders, or basically anything beyond what fits on the weight scale sneakily disguised as a bagging area.

Here are the people I see using the self-checkouts while I'm *waiting for attendant*:

That Angry Guy
You can recognize this guy because he never gets a cart and never smiles. To him, the rest of us are just useless pylons in the grocery store obstacle course. He's usually wearing gym clothes and an attitude, and he just wants to pay for his boneless, skinless chicken breasts and get home to watch ultimate fighting.

As an aside, this is also the same person who is most likely to make a scene and rage out of the store without his canister of protein powder when the technology fails.

The least technologically-savvy person in the world
There's no way around it, shelf-checkouts are computery thingies with screens and buttons and stuff. It doesn't matter how many years you've been grocery shopping, you need at least a basic understanding of how to operate a computer to do this successfully. Cashier Cathy in lane #4 hates these things and doesn't understand why the manager wants to put in more of them.

There should be a pre-screening test to use the self-checkout line-up, just to save the rest of us from the strain of being too polite to roll our eyeballs into the back of our brains in public, even though we really, really want to. Please, if you still can't figure out your TV remote, don't use the self-checkouts. Go see Cathy. You probably want to talk about the weather anyway. She'll love you.

Anyone buying condoms, hemorrhoid cream and all other "down there" products
We all know there's only one way to purchase these things: Get in, pay, get the hell out. These shoppers don't want to feel the embarrassment sweats brought on by Cathy's knowing glance while she slowly drags a box of yeast infection cream over the scanner. Frankly, I think this is why self-checkouts, and hoodies, were invented.

The cravers
These are the people that only need one thing, but they, like, really, REALLY need it. They have a movie on pause at home and are hoping we'll think their pajamas are really just yoga pants. The giveaway is the late hour and the single carton of Ben and Jerry's.

By the way, these are the same people that almost run you over in the parking lot as they peel away with their bag of double-stuffeds tucked between their knees. But I get it. Cravings are for real. I see your single-serving cheesecake and raise you a bag of Doritos.
Those are some Thoughts from the Grocery Store. I'll be back next time with a little bit about feeling up vegetables in the produce department.